Weekend blur

This weekend I was anticipating a bad one. It rained all weekend long. We usually try to go somewhere during the weekend to fight off cabin fever. Of course the act of going somewhere is a tricky one. We can't differ from our usual routine much without much notice and preparation. We also have to think about Joel's anxiety level, as well as my own. Due to past behaviors I find that my anxiety level is quite high when we are out in public. I never know what will set him off.

Our Saturday started off like any other. He wakes up and comes to my room, if he isn't already in there. He wakes me up. If it is before 8:00 am, I suggest he watch TV, quietly, as he waits for 8am. At 8, I get out of bed and we go get him 'chocolate milk'. This helps get his blood sugar up so that I can avoid any unnecessary fights. He plays/watches TV, plays on the computer, or helps with Addy. This Saturday I had a lot of chores to do so he had his choice of what to do. He had a pretty good morning and early afternoon. We went to the church/school to check on our Chrysalises. We then went to the store to grab one thing then back home to cook dinner and to work on cleaning his room, which he did with minimal complaining. In fact, no complaints. So out of character for him.

That night, after dinner he started complaining about his body hurting. I thought he was complaining about his boo boos on his knees. (He had fallen this week). Later he came and snuggled on the couch with me and I realized he had a fever. He told me that his knees couldn't bend. This reminded me of a time when I was about 5 or 6. My parents went out for New Year's Eve. Sherry, my sister, was babysitting. My knees were hurting all night and eventually got to the point where I couldn't bend them. She kept yelling at me because she thought I was being lazy when I wouldn't bend over to clean up. By the time my parents' got home I had to be taken to the Emergency Room. It turned out to be an Ear infection that had gone to my knees. So...Joel's temperature still isn't very high so we will have to call the doctor Monday morning.

Sunday was pretty low key. We stayed home from church since Joel still wasn't feeling well and Addy started to cough again. We got a lot done. Half the laundry got done, bathrooms got clean, and floors got mopped.

Now...what will this week bring?

My "Perfect" Day

So tonight after dinner, a dinner that Joel actually ate, I was thinking about how great today was. The baby was content and playing quietly in the floor, Joel was sitting next to me talking to me about this and that, quite honestly I wasn't listening too intently until I heard him say 'chicken goes bauk bauk (not sure how to spell this...forgive me.) This phrase was the same one I have heard over and over for the past couple of days. You see, every week there's a different phrase. Who knows what it will be next week. Josh calls to let me know he's on his way home. I get excited because the kids hardly ever get to see him when the sun is still up. Josh gets home, eats dinner, and as we are sitting there I decided maybe we should take a walk. They usually venture out on walks without me since the baby is almost always fussy this time of night. So we get our shoes on, grab the stroller and off we go. We are all enjoying ourselves, and get just to the other side of the hill (not even a block away) when Joel starts to freak out. He couldn't see the house. I told him we were going to walk around the block (3/4 mile) and Mommy and Daddy and Addy were all going to go. Josh offered to put him on his shoulders and that did the trick. Once we got moving again he started to whine and cry again but since he was being carried we kept walking as we talked. I decided to play I Spy to distract him. This worked until Daddy spied a fire hydrant. Joel once again got upset pleading with us not to touch the hydrant. So we walked around it and further on down the road. As I walked I started to pray. God, please help me help him. Give me guidance, give me strength, and give me wisdom. As we passed a truck that was parked on the side of the road I saw its bumper sticker. Autism awareness. It seems lately that every time I start to doubt my suspicions, I run into someone with some form of autism. There was the time I ran into the facebook friend, someone at work was talking about her sister but couldn't remember the name of the diagnosis (PDD NOS-the same thing I suspect Joel of having). I prayed again and asked God "are you sending me these messages or am I more aware of these things?" I have always been a supporter of autism awareness. It is one of those things that I believe needs our support, and prayer, so we can find a cause and try to find prevention for it, if possible.

Our next step now is to pray and wait. Let me be honest...this part sucks, but I guess its growing pains, right?

A good day??

Today was one of rare good days. This morning he started to get upset because I didn't have any bread for toast. I told him we would go to the store and get something for lunch and breakfast. We got to the store and I asked him to get out of the car and again, he got upset. I had to show him that we were at the store and we were going to pick out something for breakfast and lunch.

I very rarely allow him to eat lunchables but today he wanted a lunchable. He chose a ham and cheddar lunchable. I was nervous about it but allowed it anyways. He chose yogurt pretzels for breakfast. (vs. donuts? oh yeah! sure thing buddy....no problem)

We got to school and he was a perfect angel...no fits, no problems. When he got to computers today I asked his teacher how he's been. Usually by now, when he's had a morning that's out of the norm, he's had a fit or two. She even told me that he had been the best behaved all morning (out of his whole class). : O <--------Shocked face

I went on and met with my Family Facilitator from Hand in Hand. She helped me figure out what my next step would have to be.

When I got back to the school to pick him up he had taken a nap, and he showed me his new boo boos. He fell down on the playground and scraped his knee. He fell down on the playground, PLAYING WITH OTHER BOYS!

So now here's what I'm thinking: Are his behaviors a result of my bad parenting? I know that there's definitely something going on with him, as we are unable to predict his behavior...but did I do it to him?

More disappointment

Today I received a call from the LSP. She is not going to recommend testing due to the fact that Joel had the desire to be social. Yes, he does...with adults. Still is inappropriate. He needs help. There is something wrong. Why am I the only one who sees this? I start doubting myself again? Am I overreacting? I remember back to a conversation I had with him in the car just yesterday. Well, not so much a conversation as it was a total meltdown. You see, last week we went outside and did sidewalk chalk. He got an ant bite. I told him to leave it alone and God will heal his body. Yesterday in the car he saw his ant bite was still there. He starts crying telling me that God doesn't love him, God won't heal his body, no body loves him, etc. Are these the normal rants from a four year old? I have taught young children for the past 5 years. This is the first time I have EVER heard these words/thoughts spoken from such a young mouth.

Instead of being a basket case all night I called my Family Facilitator and we agreed to meet together the following day to figure out our next plan of attack.

Are my suspicions wrong?

Joel still has his bad days and really bad days. Occasionally there is a good day mixed in. At this point (after 2 and a half years) we no longer expect him to have a good day but merely encourage him to not choke his classmates, or take knives to them when he's angry. Needless to say, we have been in survival mode for the past year or two. In talking to his teacher from last year I can't help but cry. Just yesterday as I spoke with our Summer Camp Director I couldn't believe my ears. When I asked her she looked at me and asked, you mean Joel's coming? In writing this now I am tearing up. I assured her that I would be working nearby so no one else would have to 'deal' with him.

The past couple of weeks we have been talking to a Licensed School Psychologist about having him tested. I told her what's been going on with him. I even brought her a letter from his teacher with some incident reports attached. The letter mentioned how he was very impulsive and how he has been ostracized by the other kids in his class because of his behavior. She came out and observed him for 2 days. (A day and a half, really). Joel sees another adult in the room and is a perfect angel. He interacts with her, does his school work, etc. This is not our normal Joel. The 'normal' Joel scribbles on his paper, uses black crayon on all his work and yells dammit in the bathroom. When things don't go quite right, he blows up. I even tried to set him up a few times. Partnering him with a little girl he always fights with in PE. I gave him a peanut butter sandwich in his lunch instead of the macaroni and cheese he had asked for. I made him wear shoes and socks instead of letting him wear his crocks. Not one outburst. I even went in his classroom because he usually is worst when I am around. Nope. I did notice he didn't do a lot of social interaction...'normal' for him. He talked to the LSP, his teacher and when we put him with someone in the kitchen center, he even talked to her. Of course, after this lady left I kept watching him and as the kids got ready to go to After School Care they all sat in a circle. Except Joel. He sat next to them playing with his backpack. This past weekend we stayed home most of the time. We did end up going to the grocery store which is usually a disaster. I can't do it without Josh much anymore. Luckily the cart at the store was big enough and I had the presence of mind to remember to bring the baby carrier (one of those you strap to your body). Joel sat in the cart and talked to me. He was a little intimidated by the new store but he didn't throw a fit. His normal behavior in the grocery store consists of him throwing a fit including taking items off shelves and throwing them at me and calling me names. Over what? Not sure what brings it on...its not consistent so I imagine its an anxiety thing.

On Sunday we had our Small Group Bible Study. We meet every other Sunday and it was our turn to host. As host you are responsible for food, drinks, and checking on the children. At one time when I checked on them I noticed once again, Joel was doing more parallel play. They were all sitting in a circle playing and singing and Joel was on the floor next to them playing with some other toy. Later some of the other kids decided they wanted to go to the kitchen to play with the 'kitchen'. I noticed Joel wasn't there. I checked on him and realized he was in the same spot, playing with the same toy. My heart sank. Once again I started doubting my suspicions...then something like this happens and I'm mourning/grieving it all over again. I refuse to give up hope but is it worth the constant disappointment?

Research, Research, Research

One day as I drove to work/school I was thinking about all of Joel's problems. The term high functioning autism kept entering my thoughts. I kept shaking it off. Through out my day at work it kept coming back to me. During my break at work I googled 'high functioning autism' to find out more about symptoms/diagnosing. It started to sound a little like Joel. I had started writing a journal about Joel and his days when we got back from the conference. I started looking through my journal to see if anything popped out at me.

When I got to the Medicaid office I sat and filled out my application. As I sat there I noticed someone who looked familiar. She was one of my Facebook friends but someone I hadn't spoken with face to face in at least 10 years. She came and sat with me and we talked about our kids. She mentioned some things that helped me realize that it wasn't all in my head. I felt very validated and ready to take on Joel's issues.

When I got home I started more research...trying to find something, anything to help me. I started praying and asking God to send me someone to help guide me to the help we so desperately needed to get for Joel. It was about this time that we started working with Hand in Hand and we also started Play Therapy through the Parenting Center. Our Hand in Hand Family Facilitator helped guide me through the steps I needed to take to get him help. Our Play therapist, though very nice, was not much help. We stopped going to the Therapist for now.

Somebody help me! Please!!

When I got home I started emailing people I had met at the conference and asking a lot of questions. I just wanted help! It wasn't but a week when Joel had one of his tantrums/fits. Addison was crying and I went to make her a bottle. When I went into the kitchen to make her bottle I heard her shrill cry. I knew something was up. Joel came in and told me that he had done something to Addy. After I had gotten Addy off the floor and somewhere safe, I had him show me what he did to her. He had yanked her arms so hard it pulled her up and out of her car seat, where I had put her. I sent him to his room so that I could calm/quiet the baby. After the baby had calmed down I went into his room to talk to him. He told me he had wanted her to be quiet and she wouldn't. He said he was trying to hurt the baby. At this point I had been advised by the school that I was required to get Joel counseling/help, so I had his teachers documenting every anger outburst/tantrum. I felt like I needed Joel's pediatrician to know what happened as well as making sure the baby was ok. I had just been in there two weeks prior crying about how he's not normal, like the doctor had kept telling me, and that I don't know what else to do. I wanted him to document it that Joel had admitting to wanting to hurt the baby and also that he actually did succeed at hurting the baby. When I left they had told me they would do referral, if needed. I knew now that we have to get him on Medicaid and it was time to stop waiting for Medicaid to get their acts together. (I had turned in my application two weeks prior).

God plants a seed at the ECE Conference in Austin

In late January I had an Early Childhood Educators Conference to go to. This year it was in Austin, Texas. I debated on whether or not I should go but eventually decided that I was going to go. I felt like God would bless it, so I went.

The keynote speaker was a guy called the Physician of Phun. Basically he gave us a breakdown of boys' brains and how they work. This was the first of many ah ha moments at the conference. My sister and I were both there and exchanged many glances of 'that's Joel'. From there we went on to our sectionals. I went to one given by Hand in Hand. This was the first I have ever heard of them and it didn't really explain what Hand in Hand was...but the lecturer did explain more about the behavior problems of Joel. I was amazed that God had brought all these people together in one place for me! I had also talked to my sister who had gone to the sectional called 'the Out of Sync Child'. While at the conference I had also seen an old friend who just happened to mention her special needs child. Wow! Its amazing to look back and see how God just puts you in the right place at the right time and brings the right people in your life.

As I left the conference I had a lot to think about and practically prayed the whole 4 hour ride home.

Oh, my head

As we tried to get our lives back to 'normal', whatever that is, we expected Joel's behavior to start improving. His behaviors merely escalated to a point that we had to do something. I had been on the internet researching behavior problems in children and hadn't thought it was anything more than him adjusting to his new life as a big brother. I had been researching on 'How to make the older sibling more accepting of the baby,' transitioning from one to two, etc. It wasn't until January that I felt like something was really wrong. This is when the migraines started.

My migraines felt like someone was blowing up a balloon inside my skull and the throbbing was like the balloon pushing against the inside of my skull. I remember lying on the floor wishing and praying for either relief or death. I started taking a lot of Excedrin Migraine. Then eventually that stopped working so I doubled up on the dose. My headaches got so bad I remember driving to work and at every stop light opening the door to throw up. I went to the doctor and he urged me to stop nursing and I wasn't ready yet. It wasn't even 24 hours later that I decided that he may have been right, as I tried to nurse, I kept getting sick...this time on the baby.

That night I had been up half the night in pain and throwing up. The next morning I had my husband bring me to the ER where they could give me something. I just wanted to know why I was having such headaches. They gave me something for the pain and I eventually learned to manage the pain. I was on a regimen of taking 4 ibuprofen every six hours and 4 Tylenols in between that. I eventually got used to the throbbing and reduced the amount of medication that I needed.

All the while I kept researching ADHD, Anger and Aggression in young children, etc. I kept praying that God would guide me and show me where I needed to go to get Joel help.

Chaotic

As my pregnancy draws to a close, there's so much going on to prepare for the baby. We move out of my parents' house and into a duplex. We begin cleaning out everything making room for all the baby stuff. We would send Mission Arlington out of here with loaded trucks. Getting rid of all of my 'STUFF' and then some. Clothes, toys, books, more clothes, furniture, etc.

Joel's behavior at school seemed to get worse this school year. We felt like most of it was due to the anticipation of the baby's arrival. We prepared Joel the best we could for when I would go into the hospital. Told him he would be sleeping at Sherry's house, which he loved. Told him that I was going to stay in the hospital and the doctor would get the baby out of my belly so we could see her and she could grow up and play with us when she got older. I even had my mom take him to the hospital when I was in the doctor's office once. I wanted him to feel as much a part of this as possible. He was with me during my anatomy sonogram. He 'helped' me pick out a name. I stopped working the day before I was to go into the hospital for my C-section. I had my doctor's appointment in the morning and then my pre-op in the early afternoon. I was then going to be going to get Joel and take some pictures with just the two of us. I went to get gas after my afternoon appointment and saw several missed calls from Josh. I called him back and did not get an answer. I didn't think anything was wrong so I just figured he was working and couldn't get to his phone. I was passing by my nephew's Speech Therapy place and saw my sister's van there. I stopped in to check and make sure she didn't have Joel with her before I made the trip up to the school. I walked in and she looked at me weird. I thought it was because she wasn't expecting me. It was that and more. She asked me if I had Jim's number. (It wasn't that strange for her to ask since they are in the same TLC group and he was Josh's boss.) I said no but I bet Josh does, and started to call him. She told me not to call him. So I shrugged my shoulders. Okay, I said, as we left. While in the parking lot she turned to me and gave me her lecturing older sister look so I braced myself. Who knew what she was going to say this time. She said 'don't freak out, Josh was in an accident. All I know is that his truck rolled and they're taking him to Parkland.' um...I'm 9 months pregnant, you're telling me not to freak out and that my husband was in an accident...and you have no details. hello! crazy pregnant woman is picturing the worst right now! I was picturing his truck flipping over kind of rolling! So, I went into panic mode. How am I going to do this? I even thought about cancelling the C-section. My sister sent me to her house while she went to get Joel from school. I sat there in complete panic mode while I waited. While waiting I called my best friend, Tori and told her what was going on. In the meantime I got a call from Josh's dad, who was up at the hospital with him. I talked to Josh, who was obviously on pain killers. I found out that Josh was fine so that helped me relax a little. I waited for Sherry to get home and she took me up to the hospital to get Josh. When we arrived we saw a few of the guys from Josh's work. I really appreciated seeing them. I know Josh did too. My sister went in first to check things out and make sure it wouldn't send me into labor. She then came out and sent me in. I spoke with the doctor briefly and they released him so he wouldn't have to miss his daughter's birth. He was released on crutches and couldn't put any weight on his leg. Eventually we all got out of the hospital and home. When home I had to take care of Josh, Joel, and myself. I still had a to do list a mile long. I had to pack for the hospital, get Joel packed, arrange for transportation to the hospital the next day, I also wanted to get the house cleaned. That didn't happen. So, the point of this little tangent is to describe the circumstances surrounding our home when the baby was born.

The next morning it took Josh 30 minutes to get into the van. When we dropped Joel off we just left him in the van and walked him in. Once we got to the hospital he leaned against a wall for a while until it was my turn to have my baby. (I had to wait for the doctor to deliver twins). When it was time for me to go to the OR and for Josh to get his scrubs on for the OR a nurse had to come in and dress him. Then they had to find a wheelchair for him to sit in during the surgery.

Later that day/night Sherry brought Joel in to visit me at the hospital. He was very excited to see his mommy, though the IV and stuff freaked him out a little, and daddy, and he really wanted to meet his baby sister. That's when their love affair started. I can still see his face and his smile. He was so excited to see her! Makes me tear up to this day.

When we got home I had a lot to deal with. Josh still wasn't able to walk so I had to take care of him, Joel, Addison, and myself. Luckily Tori and Catherine had come over to clean the house up a little bit for me. THANK YOU!

For the first week Sherry would come over in the evening and pick him up and take him to her house to sleep. Then in the morning she would bring him to school and in the afternoon take him to our house for us to spend a few hours together. Neither Josh nor myself were able to drive. I did eventually wean myself off my medication by the end of the week so I could take us to the doctor's office for Addison's first appointment.

After three weeks of Josh not being able to drive he eventually weaned himself off his medication and forced himself to walk. He went back to work the Friday after Thanksgiving, three weeks after the accident.

Then maybe now life can get back to normal?

ha ha...yeah...ok.

What? I guess the joke's on me.

As we tried to put our lives back together we were living with Nana and Papa. We were very grateful to them for giving us the opportunity to get caught up on bills and allow Josh to go to school without having to worry much about taking care of his family. Our family seemed to be put on hold for the time being.

During this whole ordeal I had started to crumble. I starting drinking more. I was bitter and angry all the time. It was then that I started to talk to someone to help me get through this. Who knew it was only going to get harder?

As I sat at work one day I realized that I was a day late. I texted my friend joking about it and she encouraged me to take a test. I decided to humor her...thinking yeah right...I'm not pregnant. I laughed as I took the test. Little did I know the joke was on me. It was positive. What? How on earth? To this day I honestly don't know how this happened. The only thing I knew was it is what it is and there's nothing we can do about it. So, now what God?

I found this out the week before Spring break so that gave me about a week to figure some things out. The whole week I cried, agonized over what to do. I started meeting with my Stephen Minister about this time and she helped me figure it out as well as helped me step by step do what I needed to do. I couldn't tell my family I was pregnant...I didn't want to even acknowledge it at this point. This is the point in my life when I started living on my knees. Praying about what God was doing in my life and please, oh, please, help me to accept the things I cannot change. It was right about then that I heard the song 'Give Me a Revelation' by Third Day. I made this my prayer:

"My life has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now, I am left alone and I am broken
Trying to find my way
Trying to find the faith that's gone

This time I know that you are holding all the answers
And I am tired of losing hope and taking chances
On roads that never seem
To be the ones that bring me home.

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying
To find my way
I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that's ever winding
Through every twist and turn, I'm always finding
That I am lost again
Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying
To find my way
I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You

I don't know where I can turn
Tell me, when will I learn?
Won't you show me where I need to go?
Let me follow your lead
I know that its the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation
Show me what to do
'Cause I've been trying
To find my way
I haven't got a clue

Tell me should I stay here
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You"

Joel turns three...who is this kid?

For Joel's third birthday we had a Blue's Clues Birthday party! Joe came and played Blue's clues with us and we had so much fun! This year at school Joel's teacher moved up with him. He had Mrs. Wickman again. This year was a bit more trying for his teacher and I. Who is this kid? He is disrespectful, mean, and doesn't listen. We kept on doing what we were doing. We were consistent with his punishment/consequences and he just wasn't responding the way we thought he should. I felt that maybe if we kept doing what we were doing then he would fall in line. The weekend of Thanksgiving we found a new place to live. A cute little townhome in South Arlington. It was a two bedroom, one and a half bathroom with a two car garage. I felt like this was a good time to get a handle on my hoarding. I started cleaning things out and the ultimate goal was to make the second half of the garage into a kind of a playroom for Joel. We had some riding toys out there and his train table. He loved being outside and seemed much happier at the new house. The next week my husband, Josh, lost his job. We were devastated. Josh looked for a new job and found one...then they changed their mind and he lost that one too. The one thing keeping us together was our faith. We knew that God had a plan and that God was going to take care of us and provide for our every need. And he did.

Joel's behavior got worse. We weren't sure what was going on but assumed it was him feeding off of what was going on at home. We did our best to keep things 'normal' for as long as we could. After a long, hard talk we decided that we couldn't keep our home any longer. We had to move...into my parents' house. This was a hard decision but one that was best for our family at the time. Josh had just started school and wasn't able to work full time. On February 14 we moved out. Josh had started working at a company called Omni Direct communications. We were very grateful for the opportunity for Josh to use the skills he already had to provide for his family. We did our best to get caught up on all of our bills. Moving out was a very difficult and very emotional process for me. Joel stayed at my mom's while I, with the help of my sister, cleaned out my garage, house. We ended up filling up 2 and a half dumpsters that day. All my 'stuff' was gone. We kept the essentials but the rest was gone.

The behaviors we were seeing only seemed to get worse. We all felt like maybe he was having a hard time adjusting to his new surroundings...once again. We patiently waited for him to grow out of it. He never did.

...And then he was 2!

Joel's second birthday was spent with some friends of mine. We went out to eat at BJ's and I made him an Elmo cake and we had Elmo party hats. It was a lot of fun. When we started school that August Joel was in the Younger 2's class. He had a new teacher that year, Mrs. Wickman. During this school year I started to notice he got in trouble a lot for hitting. I didn't know what was going on. Everyone I had talked to about him had told me he was just going through the terrible twos. 'He'll grow out of it' they all said. I wasn't so sure I would survive though. There were days when I just wanted to scream. All the way down the hall I would hear 'Joel Laird!' He was hitting. He was throwing toys. He wasn't listening to his teacher. What could I do to help? Then one day his teacher came to me asking me if I was being abused by my husband. This made me laugh and offended me all at the same time. Anyone who has met my husband knows how ridiculous this was. Do you really think I would put up with that?? Of course I wouldn't! When Josh and I first got married we put in place several rules for arguing. We were to never call each other names, put our hands on one another (except for holding hands...it helps control the anger) and we would always resolve it before bed time.

His teacher and I resolved to trying putting socks on Joel's hands for when he started hitting. He didn't like this so I thought well maybe this will work. It did...for a week. Then it stopped working. He didn't seem to care about being in time out, being punished, or consequences of his actions. If I knew then what I know now...I would have called for help.

My way of dealing with his behaviors? Drinking. I never was a drinker until Joel got to be two years old. I also started hoarding things. I would hold on to things and couldn't let them go. I had a small two bedroom apartment. In it we had our furniture, our clothes, and all my STUFF. It would climb up the walls. We ended up going out and buying shelves to try to get a handle of all my stuff. The thought up throwing it out, selling it, donating it drove me to the point of hysteria. What if I need it someday? My solution: get a bigger apartment. And that's what we did.

Joel's First Year

Joel was such a beautiful child. He was always so happy. He brought a lot of joy, laughter, and love into our lives. I never felt such happiness until I had him.

Joel's development seemed to be going ok. I didn't realize he was delayed until he was about 5 months along. He was late to roll over. Then late to sit up, crawl, and later he didn't walk until he was almost 16 months old. I had blamed most of his delays on the neglect of his day care. They always put him in the bouncy seat or exersaucer. I never saw him on the floor. When I would drop him off in the morning I would put him on his belly on the floor. I was hoping to give them a hint as to what I needed. I then would talk to his teachers about my concerns. I would often get the 'oh she's just a worrisome first time mom' look. I should have went with my gut. When Joel was 13 months old he came to school with me at Grace. He loved his teacher, as did I. I started to get concerned when he showed no interest in walking as he approached 16 months. All those I spoke with told me not to worry about it. I told myself that if he wasn't walking by 16 months, then I would get ECI involved. Five days short of 16 months I got the flu. I had his daddy bring him lunch. He brought him a happy meal. Joel took his first steps at school...he wanted those french fries.

I don't really remember his speech being delayed but we all used to laugh at his cry. They pterodactyl cry. His cry sounded like what we would assume a pterodactyl would sound like. Very high pitched.

When you are in the middle of things you normally don't see them as red flags. Hind sight is almost always 20/20, you know.

Joel's Birth

On November 17, 2004 I realized I was about 2 weeks late. Thinking my body was 'syncing up' with other women at work I didn't think much about it. I did go to the drug store to rule out pregnancy. I went straight to the bathroom and took my test. It was positive right away. I was shocked. I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant. My life was about to change.

My pregnancy was pretty normal. I did test positive for Gestational Diabetes but was able to control my sugar levels with one shot of insulin a day. I really enjoyed being pregnant but as this was an unplanned pregnancy it was not without its fair share of stress, shock, and preparation.

As I approached 39 weeks gestation we planned my induction. I arrived at the hospital at 8:30pm on Wednesday, July 6. The got me hooked up to all the monitors and gave me a dose of cervidil and an Ambien to help me sleep. At 5:30 that morning the nurses started me on a pitocin drip. Throughout the day on Thursday they kept trying to get me to progress. I never did. That night we decided to stop all pitocin and start again later that night. They gave me dinner and I had some friends stop by for a visit. After they all left we started the cervidil again. This time they gave me double what they gave me the night before. By morning we had hoped that my body would have progressed more. No luck. They gave me more pitocin and by 8:3o am my doctor had come in to break my water. We were hoping that breaking my water would help me progress more. As they broke my water they realized that it had meconium in the water. This is concerning as we do not want the baby to swallow any of this. I started to feel contractions but did not progress. My doctor suggested to me that I have a C-section to get the baby out. Joel was then born via C-section on Thursday, July 8 at 12:10 pm.

They took Joel to the NICU immediately to check to make sure he did not swallow any meconium and also to regulate his blood sugar, due to my diabetes.

Thus began the love story between one mama bear and her precious cub.