Joel still has his bad days and really bad days. Occasionally there is a good day mixed in. At this point (after 2 and a half years) we no longer expect him to have a good day but merely encourage him to not choke his classmates, or take knives to them when he's angry. Needless to say, we have been in survival mode for the past year or two. In talking to his teacher from last year I can't help but cry. Just yesterday as I spoke with our Summer Camp Director I couldn't believe my ears. When I asked her she looked at me and asked, you mean Joel's coming? In writing this now I am tearing up. I assured her that I would be working nearby so no one else would have to 'deal' with him.
The past couple of weeks we have been talking to a Licensed School Psychologist about having him tested. I told her what's been going on with him. I even brought her a letter from his teacher with some incident reports attached. The letter mentioned how he was very impulsive and how he has been ostracized by the other kids in his class because of his behavior. She came out and observed him for 2 days. (A day and a half, really). Joel sees another adult in the room and is a perfect angel. He interacts with her, does his school work, etc. This is not our normal Joel. The 'normal' Joel scribbles on his paper, uses black crayon on all his work and yells dammit in the bathroom. When things don't go quite right, he blows up. I even tried to set him up a few times. Partnering him with a little girl he always fights with in PE. I gave him a peanut butter sandwich in his lunch instead of the macaroni and cheese he had asked for. I made him wear shoes and socks instead of letting him wear his crocks. Not one outburst. I even went in his classroom because he usually is worst when I am around. Nope. I did notice he didn't do a lot of social interaction...'normal' for him. He talked to the LSP, his teacher and when we put him with someone in the kitchen center, he even talked to her. Of course, after this lady left I kept watching him and as the kids got ready to go to After School Care they all sat in a circle. Except Joel. He sat next to them playing with his backpack. This past weekend we stayed home most of the time. We did end up going to the grocery store which is usually a disaster. I can't do it without Josh much anymore. Luckily the cart at the store was big enough and I had the presence of mind to remember to bring the baby carrier (one of those you strap to your body). Joel sat in the cart and talked to me. He was a little intimidated by the new store but he didn't throw a fit. His normal behavior in the grocery store consists of him throwing a fit including taking items off shelves and throwing them at me and calling me names. Over what? Not sure what brings it on...its not consistent so I imagine its an anxiety thing.
On Sunday we had our Small Group Bible Study. We meet every other Sunday and it was our turn to host. As host you are responsible for food, drinks, and checking on the children. At one time when I checked on them I noticed once again, Joel was doing more parallel play. They were all sitting in a circle playing and singing and Joel was on the floor next to them playing with some other toy. Later some of the other kids decided they wanted to go to the kitchen to play with the 'kitchen'. I noticed Joel wasn't there. I checked on him and realized he was in the same spot, playing with the same toy. My heart sank. Once again I started doubting my suspicions...then something like this happens and I'm mourning/grieving it all over again. I refuse to give up hope but is it worth the constant disappointment?
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